A smidgen less than two score and half years ago, this then sixth grader (at Henry Kline Boyer Elementary School located in Evansburg, Pennsylvania) underwent a visible transformation. As a socially outcast (podcasts, instagram, facebook… nor other social media yet to be invented or conceived), painfully shy, tremendously withdrawn prepubescent, my existence practically invisible. Never sought out to bolster any reign dear team, nor stroked as the teachers’ pet, I figuratively donned an invisible cloak. In essence, I played a constant metaphorical game of dodgeball, whence the vulcanized hard rubber sphere representative of my microcosm. At every possible chance, a deliberate avoidance strategy undertaken to minimize contact with people. Even looking at a pretty girl while nervously nibbling at lunch (no recall regarding menu) about four years prior ar that time attending latter half of second grade at Eagleville found me blushing like a zebra, when said lass unwittingly looked in one direction that pointed straight into the bespectacled brown eyes. Anyway, an emotionally cloistered existence begat physical aspect of withdrawing from world wide web (encompassing scant few mile radius), where 324 Level Road constituted home sweet home base. Subsequently, an angst-riddled psyche followed me upon promotion from one grade to the next (dogged by a near catatonic state), in tandem with a strong aversion to assume the mantle of greater demands.
Even the charming, fawning, illuminating Miss Rinderle (a young recent teacher, now probably married and possibly a grandmother) at above mentioned quaint one class per grade primary school seemed stymied to affect enthusiasm. At some juncture (perhaps before September 1970 came to an end), a substitute or rather assistant instructor accompanied thee note worthily ogling, praiseworthy, quintessentially ravishing singular (though engaged to be married) Rita unknowingly provoked mine little meter made potty flesh nearly scaring the pants of… guess who? Thee colorful student teacher (whose first name never told – or more likely long since forgotten) took partial charge regarding the spectrum of daily lessons. She possessed a magic touch. Under her fertile, gentle, and humble, tutelage, a budding charm dredged enthusiasm for grappling wholeheartedly with most every lesson. Though she happened to be a novitiate (and freshly minted graduate). I silently bowed in acquiescence when Miss Rainbow got handed the reins during her brief reign. Her colorful presence aroused, enamored, and inspired latent ambition to awake from dormant hermetically sealed emotional state. Thru a combination of affinity, celerity, and energy, I sought to shine forth with utmost academic alacrity!
Despite a moderate chronological age difference, that particular block of time in the life of Matthew Scott Harris witnessed amorously childlike, expressly glowing, infectiously kindled misty, officially prurient quivering sensations/good vibrations mini me experienced, while just on the cusp of adolescence. I undoubtedly unconsciously felt uber unbridled arousal, which hot headed feeling did lyft the ordinary mainly melancholy, morose moody blue. Perchance this biological transformation witnessed and/or discerned by other classmates), a sexually amorous, romantically breathtaking, quixotically captivating, et cetera amorphous desire. Nebulous as said physical attraction permeated my being (in league with natural bubbling testosterone) teaming subconsciously, thee strawberry blonde, shapely, and seductive Miss Rainbow made no discerning overt nor covert overtures to mine naively innocent unpracticed perception all la Sikh sense. Nonetheless, a muted kaleidoscope of brilliance drenched feral hunger well nigh inadvertently loosened itself courtesy padlocked, linch pinned, hidebound unhealthy restraint. Narcotic restoppering, rioting, rutting… testosterone voicing nonverbal physiological ecstasy. Even while being pathetically passive, (nee painstakingly shy) at that age, what about eleven/ twelve birthdays celebrated? The primal urge inchoate sexual desire became sublimated, suggestively classic (Freudian) actions to suit up in preparation for short-lived exertion to exceed prior scholastically abysmal performance. Such dawning revelation only shone forth many decades later upon the onset of body wracking handy dandy randy… irrepressible libidinal natural exploration did peter out at thee unhealed, beau jangled principled… age of XIII, which haint nothing to celibate!
Linked within corporeal subconscious circumscribed viz prepuce nutshell (pun intended) ever so faint quivering stirred primal, beastial, animal… penile propensities, whereat Whatsapp hormonally pining kickstarted fruit of loins to consummate intercourse jarring me ordinarily sidelined, squelched, subdued… seeking sexual satiation. Oh… if able, eager, and willing to communicate on behalf of that agonizingly bashful boy, this doddering, kibitzing, uber vibrant wily coyote would revisit said mine puberty, and double dare expressing (applying best Peterson handwriting style) coy late childhood wish to marry referenced gal approximately twice plus my senior chronologically, though countless light years more mature than aforementioned lad i.e. yours truly some two point five scores orbitz (of planet earth around sun) ago. Retrospective imaginary trek back refashioned blockchain of events altering the course of events, when mad crush begat attraction toward Miss Rainbow, a more courageous effort forged…, cuz this amazingly graceful fantastical kid exhibited sophistication beyond his dozen circuits circumnavigating our near nearest prodigal sun. Hand written notes, (perhaps merely few choice words) under_scored mutual (of Oh ma ha) pinterest alluding to evanescent ethereal darling classroom assistant aforementioned above. She and I arranged various and sundry rendezvous. Nobody blew figurative whistle penalizing predatory deemed predilection. Love can and ought to blossom buzzfeeding fancy feast feral gourmand. Hypothetically advanced remarkable metamorphosis into premature physical development showed thyself (make believe scenario) more strapping young man than actual skinny, puny and bony runt. Some just invited gentle caresses without drawing long strong arm attention of lawmakers. They (yes, thee amorphous, illustrious, nebulous… trumpeting dons) unfairly punish liaisons involving (even consensual) so called jailbait. Eighteen, the arbitrary age verboten illicit tactile considered apropos.
Discrete (William will never tell) overtures conveying amorousness, (albeit on the q.t.) awakened electrified joie de vivre, whenever in presence of averred heroine. An infantile pang evoked atavistic impulse convulsed every nerve fiber housed within this then tween. He wanted to suckle like a babe nursing much like iconic Madonna and child images predominant in churches. Akin to a newborn, I (no matter an underage cupid little fella – no bars held back comprising fictional vignette) applied gentle suction upon first one than the other nipple and also began to describe circular motions atop those supposedly sensitive aureoles of each tricking grand teat tons. Optimism existed to draw out coveted milky white substance ranks on par with questing after sought after illegal contraband. Deep in throes of aural, tactile, visual,… exploration, these ears detected purring. Precocious flair with English language (given scant decade plus of generally struggling yet quick to learn student) set in motion intuitive sense this unusual friendship one stepping stone elusive ticket paradise. As time permitted, I quickly learned tapping into contemplative, introspective, ruminative… tentative sixth grader adult oriented x-rated indulgences. In essence, the effort to surrender and succumb into grownup passion overlayed any disparity, particularly statutory rape, which essentially increased excitement manifold. This overactive imagination of mine invigorated illusory fantasy reminding this curmudgeon scrivener tis only young ones, who gather rosebuds, while ye may.
Accursed friggin developmental delay fuels unrequited love, and/or cringing when tingling triggered infatuation. Untested possibilities (thank you most kindly risk averse self) quashed potential platonic relationships, (not necessarily with older women purse say), but ordinary discover re: visa vis constituting healthy positive growth encompassing body, mind, and spirit triage. The medium of writing alleviates (as grudgingly acceptable palliative) loss among cumulative lifetime interpersonal adventures.